The friend, the change

I could stop myself from thinking about the post constantly after viewing her blog.

I have a habit of viewing blogs that I followed everyday. A random post pop up on top of the update list telling me she has updated her blog. Undoubtedly, I clicked in and read. To my surprise, the post is related to me.

She talked about how we were best friends in the past and how the things went on for us to become in such awkward relationship. Frankly, I couldn't really recall what has happened in between. Anyway, that's not the main thing I would like to talk about. The word that lingered around my mind all the day until I rather use my study period for blogging are about friend. - I know, it's about friend again.-

I wasn't intended to make my blog full of these bullshit but here is the only place I could pour out my feelings. Ever since the day I posted about how I felt for my social life, I was so sensitive about everything goes on around me, especially friends. Some incident happened last weekend made me felt really upset about them. My boyfriend was there and he observed everything- how they treated me and how transparent I am in the group of people. The feeling of being ignore by someone you trusted or the-so-called-best friend I should say is just so unbearable. The mixture feelings of upset, disappointed, angry...came up to my mind all at the same time. Luckily he was there with me.

After that incident, my mind has been working constantly for a solution to ease my feelings. What I have concluded was I'm a failure. I don't blame anyone but myself. Constantly being dogmatic makes my personality become very weak until I could be ignore without reasons. My boy has been lecturing me about how to become someone with strong personality. I listen to his suggestions but that's not something I used to do.

One's personality is shaped since young. It takes time to reshape one's personality.

I'm not going to change myself because of anyone. I will only change for the sake of my better future. Now I know my weaknesses, so I try my best to make a change.

As for them, the so-called-best friends, god bless you all. You don't worth anything from me anymore.




*To the one who silently following me, thanks for your suggestions and concern towards me. It's indeed warm to get to know someone is supporting you without you knowing.

The other side

So, after I have posted the previous post, those who read it would feel that I'm lonely and get to know all my weaknesses. In fact, I didn't share my blog link to many people or rather expose it through facebook. I only share it to some friends around me whom I trusted. Sometimes I just want this blog to be private when I share my feelings but sometimes I would like it to be exposed when I share my life ! I used to post my blog link on my facebook wall informing others that I've updated my blog but now not anymore. I don't wish my friends around me know me too well and take whatever I typed as a joke or put themselves into the situations I mentioned in my blog. By that, I couldn't type whatever comes up to my mind anymore when that case involved any of them.

I was thinking to type something aside of my friends and my school life. As the title suggest, I would type something different, the other side of me..=)

I believe god is fair to everyone around the world. One couldn't be perfect in every single field. I'm weak in socializing but I'm good in my studies. My relationship with my family is just so-so but I have a darling bf. I'm weak in languages but I'm good at sciences. I love to discover new thing but not being confined. All these aspects shape up my personality and thus make me who I am. I love myself more than anyone does.

In order to improve weaknesses, effort should be employed.

 " All of us have the potential to succeed. However, we cannot expect success to come knocking at our door without us lifting a finger. We ourselves must posses the right attitude and endeavor to do things in a certain way to achieve success." 

I copied this text and paste it on my wall to remind me what I should do. The "right attitude" to me is being positive towards everything, including my weaknesses. Therefore, I try my best to overcome the setbacks in my life. I would complain and being moody whenever I meet a problem. I could be either keep on complaining non-stop about that matter or being absolute silent for the whole day until I realize and wake up from my bad attitude. After that only I will think of the solution to that problem. Perhaps my way of solving a problem is not the most effective way but I need time to digest before taking the next step.

In other's eyes, I'm a good and obedient student. I able to follow teacher in class even though the syllabus is tough. I manage to get good results in every test. I'm not saying I'm best in my class but at least I'm above average. I'm just like the others. I do complain how hard the paper is and tell others how do I feel for that paper. I will upset if I couldn't do as well as I expected on myself despite I know my result is better than most of them. Here comes a lot of sarcasm. For instance, I told my teacher that I did badly in my sem 2 test on that particular subject when she asked me about it. My friend heard it and he said " Don't lie la. Teacher, don't believe her, it's impossible." I just kept quiet. Deep down in my heart, I know myself well. When I say I didn't did well means I really didn't did it well and it is not up to my expectation !

Alright, I typed a lot about my studies again which is out of the topic !!

Never mind. I'm gonna make a post about my bf once I'm free..=P

New start

The moment I decided to recreate my blog, I know I'm going to spare my time on it.

What makes me have the idea of recreating my blog and start blogging all over again since I know I wouldn't have much time for it? Frankly speaking, I wished and wanted to start blogging since long time ago, just that I have no time for it and lazy to make the first move. Every time when I face a problem or when I have no one to share my life with, I would then think of blogging. Maybe to you, this is not the right path to pour out all your feelings as whatever you typed will be exposed to everyone around the world ; but for me, I'm alright with it. Perhaps writing a diary or note down all the events in those downloaded apps would be better instead of blogging since it is private, anyway, there are pros and cons in between which I'm not going to further elaborate it.

Social life of a 19 years old girl is very important. The way you communicate with your classmates, the way you make friends, the way you jump into a group conversation and so on are all about your social skill. Since long time ago, when I was in my secondary school, I do always felt lonely and unnoticeable. My friends around me are all outstanding person where all the teachers and other form's students would easily recognize them and tell out their names, especially her-my bff. ( no offence ah bo, I'm just telling the feeling deep down my heart ) She was so outstanding and sharp that people would only notice her but not me when we are together. I don't meant to be as sharp or famous as her but at least, please remember my name. I'm not someone's friend. I'm me. So this was what I felt for my social life when I was in my secondary school.

Now, I'm in my form 6. I tell myself, I want to become someone in this school but not anyone. So, I came into this school with an outstanding result which made me started to emerge as someone in my class. Teachers started to notice me on the very first day of school which made me special. The next thing I tell myself, I want to be socialize, make friends with everyone in the class without boundary. So I tried my best to join the other's conversation. Indeed, I get to mix along with all the classmates very well where I could just pop into any group of them and join their conversation.

When I think my social life in form 6 is far more better than the past, one of my classmate told me today that I look pity and seem to have not much friend. The scene was so awkward. I don't know how to answer him but just crapped over the statement.

I stood alone on the assembly ground and thought quietly : Am I really like what he told me?

The answer came across my mind was yes. The one who I really could get along with is just my deskmate. Indeed I could jump into any conversation of the others but sometimes it is just too awkward to comment on the others when you are actually not in their gang. Maybe this is what called ego. So I seldom chat with the others or join them in their conversation or group discussion. Most of the time I'm just hanging around with my deskmate and that's all. By now, since she has a bf, the moment I'm getting alone in the class steeply increases. I don't blame anyone but myself. My personality is just too weak for me to overcome all these inbuilt ego. I'm just too weak in socializing and I just don't know how to.

People are seeking for a partner to join the coming badminton competition. I thought I would be involved in any of the categories few months back. I was happily told my bf that I'm going to join competition later and started to prepare myself. I know I couldn't be the best but at least I'm better than the other girls. I was hoping and expecting someone would call me up and ask me to be their partner. You know what happened. =) . So yeah, I'm not involve in any of the categories and would be doing job like umpire or linesman on that day like a dog. I don't mean to be rude but the incident of someone looked down on me pissed me off. I don't think my badminton skill and understanding of rules are way lower than you but in fact I know and could play better than you ! The incident was she asked me to become the partner of the opponent because she wanted to train together with her partner. So I agreed. Before I could start my first ball, she was subtly chasing me out of the court and asked another girl to join in cause the girl plays better than me. I know she doesn't mean this way like what I'm thinking of her but her act really pissed me off as if I don't have enough quality to become her competitor. Fine ! ( f.y.i, she is one of my friend. )

I know chances and opportunities are not falling from the sky. I should have to chase for it but not sit and wait for it to come. I was so touched that one of my classmate came over and ask me to join him for a game when I'm sitting alone on the bench. I wondered if he's pity me or concern about me but anyway it doesn't matter anymore.

After all, I'm still who I'm.